my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
