Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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