I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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