oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
