i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
