batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
