The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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