Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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