Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
