I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
