hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
