god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
