dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
