Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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