she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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