does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
