I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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