I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I can't turn off my feet"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
