Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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