so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
