I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
