Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
