It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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