the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No I am not eating basil off your cock
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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