How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
