i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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