My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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