I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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