she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
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No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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