I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
