this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
