You're so nebulous sometimes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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