there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
