I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
