I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
