dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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