yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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