You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
