This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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