i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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