i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
