Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
