The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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