You made me cry and you don't even care
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
