WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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