apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
