The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
false alarm. still invincible.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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