i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
