just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I did not marry a roomba.
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