apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
