I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Farmville is her only friend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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