I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
