just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
