thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
jump out the window naked night went bad
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
