Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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