Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
