is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
