I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
