I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
