The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
